Nicotine, Valium, Vicodin, Marijuana, Ecstasy and Alcohol

In my attempt to escape from corporate rape, I'm attending bartending school. On my externship at a bar in Lewisville, I watched a scuzzy guy with a shaved head try to decide on a shot-Kamikaze, Sex with an Alligator, Red Headed Slut, Sex on the Beach, Bad Lieutenant-before choosing on the obligatory Royal Fuck.

The goal of shots is to be a means, and not an end, the epitome of everything wrong with youthful alcohol consumption. Who gives a fuck what's in it? Down it and get wasted! You're wasting valuable cocksucking time!

Recipes are indiscriminately thrown together solely for the humorous name or color that it comes out. Name it something that drunk people will find funny, and they will buy it in rounds, and if we are lucky, plow their car into the median on the way home.

Needing to bring something extra to the table when I apply at bars, I've decided to construct my own portfolio of "signature shots." The first batch, all trademarked, are the result of a fortuitous brainstorming session with Kristen. Generally, these follow the rules of shots: Eye-catching names, weird colors, and sickly sweet.

Gentleman Caller: The Shot
Lilliputian version of my childhood drink of choice.

1 1/2 oz. Crown Royal
splash grenadine

Fucking Cunt
Kristen's drink upon hearing that peach schnaaps meant the drink name would have a curse word or body part.

3/4 oz. peach schnaaps
3/4 oz. peach schnaaps
splash peach schnaaps


Pirate Balls
Formerly Peach Nibblets

3/4 oz. Captain Morgan's
3/4 oz. Peach Schnaaps
Splash: Dr. Pepper

Float a Peachie-O on top.

My Mom Beat Me, So Now I Have Emotional Problems
The salt and sugar on the rim are a simulation of the sweetness of emotional independence and the saltiness of one's own tears; the ingredients were all phases of things that I drank in large quantity when I was younger.

3/4 oz. Pirate's Bay Coconut
3/4 oz. Wild Turkey
Splash: Pineapple juice

Rim glass with salt and sugar.

Prolapsed Rectum
3/4 oz. Absolut Citron
3/4 oz. Apple Pucker
Splash: Cranberry

Fuck You, I Took a Different Educational Career Path
The grape juice was Kristen's idea. It made me laugh quite hard. I couldn't explain why.

3/4 oz. Jager
3/4 oz. Triple Sec
Mixer: Grape Juice

Line rim of glass with cocaine.

Hopefully, these are just the beginning. Chris and I's experimentation led to some foulness (vodka, snapple, and peach schnaaps) but great names for future shots (cum fart).

And Carrie's student who suggested that since it was hot and sunny, today would be a good day to walk on the moon? Totally going to be a shot name, even though Carrie thought it sounded like an emo band out of context.