Friday, December 25, 2009
Dejemonos de pamplinas
Thursday, October 29, 2009
In 1984, I Was Hospitalized for Approaching Perfection
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Sings adverts for the Weetabix
-Isaac, right?
-And you?
The other one, little more plain, less attempting to be….
-Yeah, that one.
Other one better sale, obviously didn’t care enough to fix her hair all that much, wearing glasses, shows she isn’t vain enough to wear contacts only.
Shit.
Don’t fuck this up. The future of your children rests in your answer. Spent all valuable menu contemplation time on sizing up that woman over there; she is drinking a fucking frozen margarita, and any girl that could order a fucking slushy in a pub and sit and drink it, in full view of God and town, with a man with a baseball cap backwards, is not where you need to rest your genetic eggs. Meanwhile this poor girl is waiting on you to say something, anything. Quick, quick, make it casual, make it seem like…
Just. Good? Wait. Maybe kinda assholish. Just. Wanted casual, but may have diminished the amount of her work in retrieving it. Just. Can I just get…
-get a pint…
Pick something. You are stretching this out way too long. Now she knows that just was just fucking time fill. GOD. TICK TOCK EACH SECOND IS AN ABORTION.
-If today was your last day…
What is this? Peer down. Need something surly but not trite like Guinness.
-and tomorrow was too late
Rogue sounds like I’m trying to be manly. But I like it. Goddamn it. Bass. Nobody sounds fake manly ordering Bass. It’s named after a fucking fish.
-Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
What the fuck is this shit? Who picked this? What is this? Why is this making me so angry?
-Can I get a pint of Rogue?
-Rogue? Sure, hon.
I'm going to die alone.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
What dreams may come
Friday, September 25, 2009
Nicotine, Valium, Vicodin, Marijuana, Ecstasy and Alcohol
The goal of shots is to be a means, and not an end, the epitome of everything wrong with youthful alcohol consumption. Who gives a fuck what's in it? Down it and get wasted! You're wasting valuable cocksucking time!
Recipes are indiscriminately thrown together solely for the humorous name or color that it comes out. Name it something that drunk people will find funny, and they will buy it in rounds, and if we are lucky, plow their car into the median on the way home.
Needing to bring something extra to the table when I apply at bars, I've decided to construct my own portfolio of "signature shots." The first batch, all trademarked, are the result of a fortuitous brainstorming session with Kristen. Generally, these follow the rules of shots: Eye-catching names, weird colors, and sickly sweet.
Gentleman Caller: The Shot
Lilliputian version of my childhood drink of choice.
1 1/2 oz. Crown Royal
splash grenadine
Fucking Cunt
Kristen's drink upon hearing that peach schnaaps meant the drink name would have a curse word or body part.
3/4 oz. peach schnaaps
3/4 oz. peach schnaaps
splash peach schnaaps
Pirate Balls
Formerly Peach Nibblets
3/4 oz. Captain Morgan's
3/4 oz. Peach Schnaaps
Splash: Dr. Pepper
Float a Peachie-O on top.
My Mom Beat Me, So Now I Have Emotional Problems
The salt and sugar on the rim are a simulation of the sweetness of emotional independence and the saltiness of one's own tears; the ingredients were all phases of things that I drank in large quantity when I was younger.
3/4 oz. Pirate's Bay Coconut
3/4 oz. Wild Turkey
Splash: Pineapple juice
Rim glass with salt and sugar.
Prolapsed Rectum
3/4 oz. Absolut Citron
3/4 oz. Apple Pucker
Splash: Cranberry
Fuck You, I Took a Different Educational Career Path
The grape juice was Kristen's idea. It made me laugh quite hard. I couldn't explain why.
3/4 oz. Jager
3/4 oz. Triple Sec
Mixer: Grape Juice
Line rim of glass with cocaine.
Hopefully, these are just the beginning. Chris and I's experimentation led to some foulness (vodka, snapple, and peach schnaaps) but great names for future shots (cum fart).
And Carrie's student who suggested that since it was hot and sunny, today would be a good day to walk on the moon? Totally going to be a shot name, even though Carrie thought it sounded like an emo band out of context.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
This is a song Jerry Lee Lewis wrote before he killed one of his wives.
But that's not what this is about.
One of my pet peeves is the discouragement of knowledge. That sounds too broad, so let me give you an example involving chicken vaginas. All examples should involve chicken vaginas.
I don't remember how it came up in conversation, but the genitals possessed by chickens was brought up as a topic. When I came forth with the fact that female chickens have cloacae, one of my coworkers queried as to why I would know that.
Why is it so wrong for a man to know what kind of genitals a female chicken has?
Another example: When I asked someone I work with "what they thought I was," I was termed as "not a Christian." When I asked why, she said it was because I seemed like one of those "college kids still seeking answers." The undertone was that once she'd settled on the Bible, there wasn't a need for any other books, no need to consult other modes of thought. Here, in one sentence, is the epitome of the smallest form of spirituality, the cancer on American Christianity, the thing that is killing it.
When did having broad knowledge become a bad thing, a thing to be scorned? What the fuck purpose does this serve? Biologically, why should we trend towards encouraging stupidity? Is this societal? Does this ultimately spell the downfall of our culture, the swallowing up by stupidity, leaving us in the dark, because "why would you want to know how the magic lights work?"
Seriously, fuck Whitesboro.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Oh god it's late.
The last paper I wrote for college was for my senior seminar class. I majored in political science, and because my chosen field is so swamped in mediocrity and the mere hagiography of the status quo (but in much prettier words), I spent a semester learning about, what else?, democracy!!!! I voted for fascist political thought, but no. Democracy, yet again. Sure, the United States is a democracy (save that argument for any comments), and we are IN the United States, sooooo why should political science students in America study anything else. All that is to get me to this, my final paper. In the paper we were given the task of making a policy recommendation to a new country, Sensempsci (no idea), in the form of a certain variety of democracy (non-democracies are so 20th century), and so, in a fit of contrarianism I proceeded to argue the common man as far out of the democratic picture as I could:
I propose that in order to ensure the most successful democracy possible, the state of Sensempsci adopt the representative model of democracy. While I believe the other models have merit, representative democracy is the only model that has the integrity to withstand the constant pressures of both domestic and international politics, and this is precisely because it excludes the average person from the policymaking process. Hibbing and Theiss-Morse, in their empirical research, found that “stronger political involvement will not make people more trusting, more tolerant, more other-regarding, or more supportive of government.”
Instead, their research points to a number of prohibitive factors that come about when people are made to participate in government. Empirical studies show that people will intentionally avoid conflict, in many cases even withdrawing from the situation entirely, and that when forming groups (keep in mind Putnam’s social capital here), people will generally tend toward homogeneity in their group selections, i.e. people will either choose groups that agree with them to begin with, or will form groups to share those ideas with like-minded others. Furthermore, Hibbing and Theiss-Morse’s synthesis of prior research on the topic concludes that “deliberation in real-world settings tends to disempower the timid, quiet, and uneducated relative to the loquacious, extroverted, and well schooled.”
Deliberation by the general public enforces, not erodes, natural inequalities for the precise reason that some people are better at communicating and developing their opinions than others. Since people will already avoid conflict and seek homogeneity in their group selections, deliberative bodies would result in those who are at all afraid of conflict or unskilled at debate to simply withdraw from the process, leading to the organic creation of an elite class of decision-makers. Representative democracy circumvents this problem by simply allowing the people to choose who composes the elite class in the first place. In doing so, the people are still able have a say in government, but the discursive necessity of a legitimate democracy is ensured through the provision of well-educated, well-informed statesmen.
As I was going through some of my old writing to try and find something, ANYTHING, to use as a writing sample for graduate school, I came across this series of paragraphs. In principle, I'm still proud of it. I was proud of it when I wrote it because I thought it an interesting use of the empirical studies that had been crammed down our throats all the semester, and I'm proud of it now because it seems to be, at the least, an admirable effort at actually trying to create something at the end of my college career, rather than simply regurgitating what I knew was expected (democracy is great, sure, but the best democracy is the one that lets plumber joe have his say whenever he wants!).
In theory, I still really agree with what I wrote. I think the democratic spirit tends toward mediocrity, laziness of thought. In a lot of ways it allows the worst in human nature to become the status quo. Now, this is not to say that democracy causes terrorism (though, you can argue that it does, but maybe that should be another post), but that democracy causes a gradual lowering of standards. In an entirely too pop culture-y example, look at the differences between Myspace and Facebook. Myspace, BASTION of everything that is wrong the vast majority of American society, is a relatively un-regulated, egalitarian enterprise. Anyone can get an account, all of the myspace designs and applications and themes and wallpapers and whatever else derive from a readily accessible, and FREE, suite of applications that either originate within, or build directly on, the foundations of the website. This is the democratic spirit at work, everyone has equal access to all the resources, anyone can join and make their profile as pretty or appalling as the next person. And what happens? They shit ALLLLLLL over it. Every horrible band you never wanted to hear from the last 5 years? Thanks myspace. The ubiquity of the scene kid thing? Thanks myspace. That one bisexual chick who had a reality show on one of those former music channels? THANKS FOR THAT ONE TOO.
On the opposite side of the spectrum, we have facebook at its inception: mildly regulated (no html, no themes, no wallpapers), to acquire membership to had to not only be a college student (verified through account creation process), but you had to attend a school that facebook deemed important enough to be allowed as a network on facebook. What did we get? A deeply useful tool for social networking. Facebook was the vehicle for so many events at my school, it helped me get to know the people who went there, it allowed me to periodically stalk whoever the latest gossip was about, and it allowed students to plan a lot more parties than the school would have liked, many times without them ever knowing. Now, I'm not arguing that facebook is some purely noble enterprise with only the best intentions. No doubt facebook was the medium through which many random hookups were arranged, but by God, it worked! It was fast, efficient, and effective. It did EXACTLY what it said it was going to, and it did it well.
However, that was all in the past. Now we turn to the present and see what facebook is coming. Without more than a few clicks you can easily begin to see the similarities between facebook and myspace. Now don't get me wrong, neither facebook nor myspace are important in the slightest, they aren't. Really. However, as cultural material they serve as a unique example of what the truly democratic spirit can do. With facebook we have exclusivity and (limited) authority leading to a well-functioning, truly innovative platform for social interaction. With myspace, we have something that (to be fair) was innovative in its time, though due more to the fact that it was new and flashy, and less to any true progression of the medium, but eventually ended up resembling an online Golgotha. AND YET, with the existence of both entities within the realm of social network, both representing different democratic experiments, what do we find? Facebook can't compete. Myspace continued to win and facebook has had to open its doors to everyone, allowed for more customization, but most importantly, it's allowed itself to be manipulated by the masses.
Culture tends downward, we see that everywhere. It most certainly has its moments, but culture, and democracy, tends in the direction of the herd. Society meanders along, oblivious to its many shortcomings, until something is forced into the public consciousness that reminds the people of just how lazy they've become. The true energy of social change in America is reactive, not progressive. How can we assuage the guilt we feel upon realizing JUST how passive and weak-minded we've become? How do we brush away the shame we're forced to contend with when something reminds us how rarely we ever do anything worth mentioning, how the moments when we truly hold ourselves accountable as individuals and are, as a result, PROUD of what we uncover are SO few and far between? We gentrify. We grab hold of those jarring reminders and we, in our one TRUE democratic action, decide as a people to nullify that which might finally force us to stop and look at ourselves for what we've become. In short, we invent reality television.
Friday, September 18, 2009
The Dilemma of Dilemna
Alcoholism in the morning
Thursday, September 17, 2009
The Difference Between Me and You is That I'm Not on Fire
If not, I could see it acting as a sort of catch-all for the inner-workings of the denizens of the apartment.
On cigarettes: after an experiment in rolling my own cigarettes, it turns out that pressing and packing 40 organic cigarettes cost me just as much as purchasing Kamel Reds from the gas station, and having them quickly handed to me by the attractive Indian girl that works there. The trade-offs of traveling to the state of Oklahoma and purchasing them from mongoloids will be calculated later.
Also, my cigarette tubes are called "Gamblers" and have a cowboy on them. Fuck if I know what those things are made of. Reds have a cotton filter, and are most likely not lovingly crafted in the Philippines like said Gamblers.
The most economic option would be to simply smoke less; however, this option is also the option that is the most unlikely option.
The Flies
When I was a kid, my grandfather paid me a penny to kill flies in houses that he was remodeling. My first perspective job was killing. I have opted to leave this off of my resume.
Chris and I have resumed this long dormant streak of fly holocaust. Annihilation to all lower life forms. This included a firefly I spied while out on the porch, who upon impact began twinkling, leaving me with a glowing flyswatter and immense guilt.