Jackals, False Grails: The Lonesome Era

I recently received an e-mail from my mother, forwarded from my aunt. Before the chain e-mail (on a possible plan of attack from gangs), there was the attached note from my aunt:

WANT ALL MY BUDS TO BE CAREFUL, SO REGARDLESS HOW TRUE THIS IS (THE IDEA CAME FROM SOMEWHERE), JUST KEEP AN EYE OUT AND KEEP SAFE WHEREVER YOU ARE................

I especially liked the inclusion of the phrase "all my buds." And the notion that the idea bears some thought just because "it came from somewhere." I may have the idea to stick my dick in a jar of honey and let bears lick it off, but that doesn't mean that it is an actual real threat to my honey-coated manhood. 'Cause, trust me, I have thought about it.

The core of the e-mail focused on a plot to...aw, fuck, just read it:

To All, [I'm part of all!]

National Gang week is starting soon. [Wait, what? What sort of bullshit gang has spirit week?] This is their new target method: [I was so tired of their old methods. Yawn. "You're shooting me from your car while it's moving...again? Really? God, get some fucking new tricks."]

While driving on any roads, if you see a baby car seat sitting on the side of the road, DO NOT STOP!!! This could be the Gang's trap. They target people especially women, to stop their vehicle to help a baby. [DO NOT STOP to help babies! Especially you, women! I know how your maternal instincts kick in and your ovaries start panting and you spot, but the gangs (the BLACK/LATINOS!!!) are waiting to pounce! And rape!] They make this baby look as if it has blood on itself or on it's clothes. When you exit from your vehicle in attempt to help, the gangs jump out from cornfields or tall bushes. They have beaten woman to near death, and then continue to rape them. [Wait, where the fuck are gangs that there are cornfields? And the gangs got a baby? And fake blood? And then put fake blood on the baby? And set it next to a cornfield? Goddamn, these gangs are fucking merciless!] Their goal is to torture the victims to death in anyway possible. [Who told you that? Maybe rape is the goal, and torture-to-death is just an unfortunate side-product.]

Then it continues on a while with an even older e-mail hoax, before signing off with the credentials, just to really weaken your bladder-control:

Officer R. Duplechin
Alvin ISD Police
Alvin High School Campus
2790 W. Hwy 6
Alvin, Tx. 77511
(281) 331-2320
(281) 245-2676

Oh, shit! Not a police officer from the Alvin ISD police?!? THIS IS A PANDEMIC! Slit your children's throats! The only way the gangs cannot use them is if they are already all dead! This ends here! Throw your infants in the river! Lock your doors, humanity is at hand!

The real violence, of course, has already long-occurred, when this hideous little meme, full of sly misogyny and racism and misanthropy, found it's way to my inbox. The worst thoughts hide in the most benign interactions, often.

But really, guys, be careful out there. People are crazy.